If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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