I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
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I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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