In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
