once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
