how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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