just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
