Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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