nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
