I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
