he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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