I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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