I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
