I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
