sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
