It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
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I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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