Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
