my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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