Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
