I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
