Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
