Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
