Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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