I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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