your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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