Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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