I want to make a zoo with you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
