It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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