An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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