omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
