yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
