Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
