two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
