what day is it and did you see me today?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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