i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
