I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
