Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
