does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
