After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
