Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
