i think i have two assholes
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
