I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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