i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
