Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
