Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
