I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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