dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My liver just broke up with me...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
