I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
