my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
