I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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