Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
