my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
