the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
