If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
