I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
