He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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