There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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